WRITTEN BY: Payton Burger (Collection of Thoughts)
You limit me
My physical limitations are the most visible ones. They are the one’s where you don’t have to look to deeply to find them. They’re surfaced more often than the others. Though most of them may be manageable they accompany me the most. Ask me how I feel and the truthful answer will be, more often than not, drained and hurting.
My emotional limitations are less visible. Due to the fact that, I hide them well. These limitations, surprisingly, are the most painful. They are the one’s that creep up on you whenever they please. Destructful is a word that I would use to describe them. Destructful to me, my friends, relationships, siblings…
My emotional limitations are more an outcome of other limitations. Because of you I lose people, I hurt people, and I push people away. They don’t understand. You make people afraid to get close to me, because you come without a warning. You are on the back burner for a moment and then with full force without a warning you need all my attention. People don’t understand why you do that.
I think of you as a thick drenched blanket that’s thrown over me, covered in spikes, but an invisible one. You’re attached to me. The weight and pain of you is overpowering at times, yet all anyone sees is me. They can’t see you. Sometimes I just want to get a bucket of paint and throw it on you and show everyone who’s left or doubted me, “SEE IT’S REAL!…CAN YOU SEE IT NOW? I’M NOT LYING!”
A LOT of people like to tell people who have these illnesses that they’re just a figment of your imagination. As though you like the loneliness and pain that it causes. They couldn’t be more wrong. I don’t blame them, but those statements are the most destructful. I’m a liar for having an illness they can’t see. It’s my fault that you choose to be, to them, invisible. I feel as though I could post all my medical records up for the world to see and most people would still accuse me of lying.
My spiritual limitations are not visible, unless you know me well. I know you can do all things through CHRIST who gives you strength, and I don’t doubt that. But My spiritual limitation is a physical walk for the Lord. The physical walk that I’m referring to is going among HIS people and living out, what I thought was, my purpose. Missioning and loving people face to face. I am furthering my acceptance of this limitation by praying for contentment, patience, and for ways I can make a difference where I am. I am to live for Christ no matter my surroundings, even if they are to be the same surroundings everyday. I am blessed beyond measure and you can’t take that away from me. You try regularly to rip it away from me, but I will continuously choose HIM over any temporal bitterness or pain I feel because of you. This limitation is a work in progress. It’s one that I’m accepting, because I know It’s not necessary. It’s one that can be molded to fit my life and my limitations. You will not stop me from making a difference and spreading HIS love.
You’re the worst demon that I have faced. The most powerful one, yet your power is unmeasurable compared to my precious LORD. You’re not who I am. I am not defined by you and the limitations that you put on me. I am fighting you everyday and I will continue to. I have a purpose even with you weighing me down. I will not give up. I will be free of you one day.
I’m thankful for you, because you have brought me closer to my KING. Before you were in my life I didn’t truly know HIM. I had an idea of what it is was like to need the LORD. But I never felt like I truly needed HIM until you came along. You caused me to give up or choose HIM. Because of you I looked up and pleaded for HIS grace. Because of you I pray everyday to be covered with HIS love and strength. And for that I am thankful.
My battle with you is an everyday occurrence and some days are worse than others. Most days I will feel beaten down, but just know that I have strength from the lord flowing through me. HE will get me through this and I WILL make a difference in this world.